'Cardinals are pretty shrewd': Subtle, secretive process to choose new pope set to move quickly

In this photo provided by the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Cardinal Angelo Sodano, Dean of the College of Cardinals, center, talks to other cardinals after Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation Monday at the Vatican.

The process of electing a new pope is clear, but few know what exactly goes on behind the Vatican’s closed doors. Pope Benedict XVI's announcement on Monday morning that he will leave office at the end of February may have taken everyone by surprise, but with the Vatican promising a new pope by Easter, events are likely to move quickly, experts say.

The new pope will be elected by the College of Cardinals, a body of around 120 men. They will vote at a special meeting, called a Papal Conclave, after Benedict’s resignation on Feb. 28. Those under the age of 80 will be eligible to vote in ballots at the Sistine Chapel. The vote is secret and conducted amid tight security.

L'Osservatore Romano via AP

Cardinals congregate in April 2005 in the Bologna Hall at the Vatican ahead of their election of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger as Pope Benedict XVI.

Little is known about how cardinals reach their decision. Campaigning is not allowed, but a subtle form of electioneering still happens. Prior to the Papal Conclave, the cardinals meet in congregations to discuss the succession among themselves. Quite often they divide according to what languages they speak.

The question they are certain to ask: What type of pope does the Catholic Church need? The answers will vary according to whether they come from conservative or more liberal wings of the church. At this point groups will form around candidates, but in a subtle way. 

John Wilkins, former editor of international Catholic newspaper The Tablet, says candidates emerge without personal preferences being stated aloud.

“Cardinals are pretty shrewd,” he said. “They keep their cards close to their chest. They will make up their own minds.”

So what factors will the cardinals consider? Nationality may be important. There has never been a non-European leader of the church despite the continent being home to just a quarter of the world’s Catholics. In contrast, just over half of all Catholics live in Latin America.

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was a serious contender when Joseph Ratzinger was chosen in 2005.

But nationality may not be such a pressing issue for the voting cardinals as it is for outsiders -- half of the cardinals are from Europe.

Instead, Vatican watchers think the cardinals will be looking for a strong leader. One criticism repeatedly leveled at Benedict is that he failed to get to grips with the papal bureaucracy, the Roman Curia.

Now that Pope Benedict has stepped down, it's unclear who will replace him or even how Pope Benedict will be addressed in the wake of his departure. New York's Cardinal Timothy Dolan is the only American so far being considered to possibly replace Benedict. NBC's Anne Thompson reports.

Catholic scholar Michael Walsh says the cardinals will be looking for a leader who can govern the church.

“They need someone to sort it out. The only person who will work is a Curia official.” In other words: a Vatican insider.

A power base in the Vatican is certainly important. Ratzinger was one of the most influential men in the Roman Curia before becoming pope and was seen as Pope John Paul II’s right-hand man.

Although he will not be voting for his successor, there is little doubt Benedict’s influence will endure: He has filled the College of Cardinals with elderly, conservative European men -- just like himself.

Javier Barbancho / AFP - Getty Images

Joseph Ratzinger became Pope Benedict XVI in 2005. Look back at his life from childhood through his papacy.

Related:

A Latin American Pope? Some say it’s about time

New pope doesn't mean new doctrine, experts say

Who's next? 8 cardinal contenders who could succeed Pope Benedict

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The Catholic Church hierarchy are experts at "secretive processes." While 1.2 billion catholics are interested, the rest of us are callously indifferent. Meet the new boss...same as the old boss.

  • 14 votes
#1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:10 AM EST

doubletap, help us understand why your "indifference" is manifesed by your eager, first response. this ravenous appetite for this stuff by people, like you, professing to not care is quite fascinating.

  • 9 votes
#1.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:13 AM EST

No secritive process.

Eenie meenie minee moe,

catch a Cardinal by the robe.

If he hollers let him go,

but if he looks past it,

make him Pope.

  • 8 votes
#1.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:42 AM EST

I'm not Catholic, can't get past this praying for dead people's souls and a few other things, but another article yesterday mentioned that it's about time we had a latino pope. Really? Sounds like James Brown's recent racial statement at a half time show during the NFL playoffs where he said we need to replace some of the fired coaches with black coaches. Really? It's not good enough for him that over 85% of the starting lineup on Sunday afternoon are black players. Never mind that five other coaches have better credentials. Whether it's a pope or a coach, why not try a revolutionary idea, choose the best man for the job?

  • 7 votes
#1.3 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:58 AM EST

I like their dresses.

  • 6 votes
#1.4 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:04 AM EST

Lost Poet - Excellent!!

How about this one?...

Eenie meenie minee moe,
Catch an alter boy by the toe.
If he hollers let him go,
If he likes it get some mo´!

  • 4 votes
#1.5 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:17 AM EST

I believe the writing was on the wall when he made the statement about there being a possibility of aliens from other worlds. Kinda like saying the earth was round in the middle ages. Could get you stoned to death or in this case...thrown out of your job.

Don't know why they cannot have a meeting now with a couple of weeks left in February and select a pope now with the present pope's help. After all who knows more about how to run the church than the pope. Wait...why is he leaving again??

  • 3 votes
#1.6 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:27 AM EST

@single: Because calling out this antiquated and, frankly, silly process led by old white men in fancy robes is a great way to get the word out.

    #1.8 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:20 AM EST

    It is my understanding that once a Pope, always a Pope, so when they elect a new Pope and Pope Benedict is still alive, will the new Pope be valid????, especially to other Christian Churches.

    • 1 vote
    #1.9 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:42 AM EST

    From my understanding of the church Benedict will go back to a Bishop, and the new Pope can make him a Cardinal. He should keep is Papal name since Pope Gregory did in the 1500s

      #1.10 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:52 AM EST

      Ah, yes, Bilbao. No one would have noticed any of this were it not for the great public service, and thinking for others provided by doubletap and you. Sorry. not a very satisfying answer. But, thanks for playing.

        #1.11 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:38 AM EST

        The process of electing a new pope is clear, but few know what exactly goes on behind the Vatican’s closed doors.

        Oh we have an idea of what goes on behind closed doors at the Vatican.

        • 5 votes
        #1.13 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:11 AM EST
        Reply

        The next Pope will be a "keep the status quo at all costs" Pope, just like JP2 and the Nazi Pope. Why even other electing a new Pope?

        Or maybe the Church will continue its new tradition of elevating war criminals. Perhaps the next Pope will have ties to the Khmer Rouge.

        • 1 vote
        Reply#2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:11 AM EST

        ... the way you have such to the people who wiped out the native americans and the slavers?

        • 1 vote
        #2.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:15 AM EST

        Um the Catholic Church reigned terror in the new world in the name of Christ. You should check out history. Some pretty interesting stuff that history...

        • 5 votes
        #2.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:12 AM EST

        oh we have a selective history buff, no doubt you only read what you want or can use or twist to use as you want

          #2.3 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:44 AM EST

          A-n-O, sounds like you just layed out the Fox manifesto for reporting news.

          • 1 vote
          #2.4 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:00 PM EST

          @ Jeffor

          I can agree that the Spanish people, who happened to be Catholic, definitely caused some terror among the native populations of the New World. That is indisputable. Both the Aztec and Incan empires collapsed due to Spanish colonialism, as the Spanish had the steel and germs to wipe out both with relative ease.

          What I cannot agree with is that the Catholic Church reigned in terror; that is false. After the fall of these empires, numerous monasteries were built all throughout Central America, the American Southwest, and up along California and Florida with the aim of educating the natives and converting them to Christianity. You can't blame the RCC for this either, as Christianity has always had an element of prosthelytization.

          And if you'd say that the Spanish = the Catholic Church, then I'd go on to say that the English = all the fractured Protestant denominations who not only didn't bother to make peace with the Natives, but actively sought to kill them, in addition to persecuting Catholics. Of course, the churches have little to do with the motivations of the people. The Spanish were domineering and expansionistic and the English settlers weren't overly concerned about Natives becoming Christian so much as they were about their hostility.

          If you'd rather pick up on my thread and tell me that countries and their religions are linked, then I'd point out the contrast between the French (dominantly Catholic at the time) and the English (decidely not) and their respective relations to Native American tribes in the area. True, the English had their Native allies, but not to the level that the French did.

          In any case, you should probably get a better grip on history yourself.

            #2.5 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:27 PM EST
            Reply

            LOL, I just chuckle at all of this... It's like some sort of f'ed up competition... Disgusting.

            • 3 votes
            Reply#3 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:13 AM EST

            Tell me about it! I don't think that there was much campaigning going on when Christ chose His Twelve Apostles. They knew their places and that was that. In the LDS Church, when the Presiding Apostle/Prophet passes away, the responsibility of leading the church gets transfered to the next senior Apostle and that is highly more orderly and devoid of any misunderstanding. That is how the rc church should operate but it is all about being cut-throat. That is how mafias run too.

              #3.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:41 AM EST

              As opposed to the race for President of the United States???

                #3.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:41 AM EST

                Been in many Papal Conclaves, have you Messenger?

                • 6 votes
                #3.3 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:43 AM EST

                Selecting the next pope should be easy; all the cardinals have to do is to choose the candidate who's infallible. Rather fitting that, when the decision is finalized, the vatican will be blowing smoke.

                • 2 votes
                #3.4 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:44 AM EST

                Joemike, we agree. Like the race for any government position, the choice of a pope is nothing short of a political process, devoid of any morality or pretense of caring about the human race or of anything other than power.

                • 1 vote
                #3.5 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:21 AM EST

                when Christ picked his apostles he was God in human flesh so i dont think he needed any counsel, as imperfect men i think a little more caution is in order for the one with a responsibility to lead 1.2 billion catholics and set an example for the rest of the world

                • 2 votes
                #3.6 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:43 AM EST

                Yes, much caution is in order when you are picking the new CEO of the world's largest corporation.

                • 2 votes
                #3.7 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:58 AM EST

                Apples, ever hear of the Holy Spirit?? Ever hear how Jesus proclaimed that the gates of the netherworld would not prevail against it?

                Anyway, all the other insults are rather funny and sad. Fact is, the Catholic papal authority has been directly handed down from Peter the first apostle chosen by Christ, and onward through the Holy Spirit.

                • 1 vote
                #3.8 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:21 AM EST

                you dont see donald trump giving half his money in charitable causes or serving the poor and needy, the reason the catholic church has so much money is the volume of its members and the needs it serves worldwide

                • 2 votes
                #3.9 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:26 AM EST

                reality, im actually defending the election process of the pope, i believe the one true church is the only one that can trace itself back to the moment Christ said upon this rock i will build my church. all other christian faiths didnt come about until about 500 year ago, i dont see God abandoning his church for 1500 yrs. the word catholic means universal and was used in 1st century to describe the church

                  #3.10 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:37 AM EST

                  They're going to let loose a bunch of little boys and the Cardinal that catches one first becomes the Pope.

                  • 1 vote
                  #3.11 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:02 PM EST

                  Tell me about it! I don't think that there was much campaigning going on when Christ chose His Twelve Apostles. They knew their places and that was that. In the LDS Church, when the Presiding Apostle/Prophet passes away, the responsibility of leading the church gets transfered to the next senior Apostle and that is highly more orderly and devoid of any misunderstanding. That is how the rc church should operate but it is all about being cut-throat. That is how mafias run too.

                  Right, so if there is some one better at doing the job it doesn't matter because the next person inline will get it. Very competent indeed. I suppose the USA should pick their president the same way...the next person inline would be the VP whether he is the best person or not.

                    #3.12 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:57 PM EST

                    @ New Gawker

                    Very original. Do you have little boys on mind all the time or just most of the time?

                      #3.13 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:31 PM EST
                      Reply

                      "There has never been a non-European leader of the church despite the continent being home to just a quarter of the world’s Catholics.." This is not true. Pope St. Victor was Native to Africa.

                      • 4 votes
                      Reply#4 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:22 AM EST

                      It really doesn't matter as to who leads the mother of all apostate religions(catholicism, orthodoxy and protestantism). The rc church is NOT the Lord's one and only TRUE faith on planet Earth. That title goes to The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints. The rc church is stocked full of people who occupy offices that aren't even talked about in the scriptures. Tell me, where in the whole Bible does it mention men who were called to be a pope, or a cardinal or anything like it? Nowhere, but the Lord has chosen men to be PROPHETS, APOSTLES, SEVENTIES, ELDERS, PATRIARCHS. All of those priesthood offices are found in the LDS Church and that is because the LDS Church has been entrusted with the Holy Priesthood(authority to act in God's name) along with the Restored(not reformed) Gospel of Christ and its saving ordinances(rituals and ceremonies). Also, the LDS Church goes about blessing the lives of individuals and families not blessing big-bonging bells, icons and banana peels that have a likeness of the Virgin Mary. As a matter of fact, Latter-day Saints are instructed that the only object that we pray to is ONLY the living God the Father and not to anyone that is dead and imperfect. We don't worship prophets or apostles or even Mary. They get our respect and veneration but that is all.

                        #5 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:35 AM EST

                        lol. That is all.

                        • 4 votes
                        #5.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:52 AM EST

                        Mess, You forgot to mention your magic underwear! Straight from the Word, I suppose.

                        • 10 votes
                        #5.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:18 AM EST

                        where in the whole Bible does it mention men who were called to be a pope

                        Messenger, where in the whole Bible does it mention that Jesus appeared in America, as Mormons believe?

                        • 7 votes
                        #5.3 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:41 AM EST

                        In 500 years, the LDS church will resemble todays Catholic church.....with bells, incense, and chatter.

                        • 2 votes
                        #5.4 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:44 AM EST

                        Messenger: how many witnesses does it take to establish a testimony according to the biblical standard? 2 or 3. How many people translated the golden tablets from which your faith's book was derived? Only 1 . . . and the translator doesn't count because he was separated from Joseph Smith by a curtain. Hmm . . . the foundation of your faith doesn't meet it's own criteria.

                        • 5 votes
                        #5.5 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:54 AM EST

                        Who has more power and authority, those who appoint or the one who is appointed? How can the cardinals confer more power and authority than they themselves possess? It ought to be obvious that the pope is merely the primary spokesman for the cardinals; they cannot give him more than they possess.

                        • 1 vote
                        #5.6 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:58 AM EST

                        lds church is another of satans attempts to steer the church away from the truth, many will come in my name and lead many astray even the elect, many does not mean one, and one is the catholic church , the only church that has existed since Christ left the earth, all other faiths did not appear until about 500 years ago, i doubt God abandoned his church for 1500 years before he FIXED it.

                        • 1 vote
                        #5.7 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:50 AM EST

                        Messenger, explain Galatians 1:8 and I will gladly join the LDS church.

                        • 1 vote
                        #5.8 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:41 AM EST

                        Nate, why do you and many others put limits on the Lord's power? Almost all of Christianity save the LDS Church believe that God has shut His mouth and have stopped His utterance to His spirit children here on earth. While the rc church goes about proclaiming sainthood to those that they seem worthy of canonization, the LDS Church goes about canonizing the living words which come forth from the mouths or duly ordained PROPHETS and APOSTLES of the Lord, JESUS CHRIST. Let me ask you this, how do you go about in letting other people know which items are yours? Do you attach your name on the items or do you put someone or something else's name on it? I hope that you attempt to permanently affix YOUR name on the item. So, I would safely bet that the Lord is no more and no less valiant in letting people know which church belongs to HIM. Where does His name appear on the name of the rc church, any and all of orthodoxy and protestantism? Nowhere, precisely. His name is the first prepositional noun on the name of The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints. Let me ask you, when the Lord spoke of 'other sheep of His fold', of whom was He describing? In addition, what are the 'sticks' of Judah and :Joseph as explained in Ezekiel 37:16-20? Easy, the 'stick' of Judah is the recorded spiritual and secular history in the Old World known as the Holy Bible. Also, the 'stick' of Joseph is the recorded spiritual and secular history of the New World known as The Book of Mormon. Not one 'Christian' religion has taken note of these inclusions in the Bible with any intelligible answers except for the LDS Church. Also, this is to the other non-believing Gentiles who commented on my posts. Why aren't there any faiths that construct Holy Temples unto God to perform sacred ordinances that are meant to bless individuals and their families? Moses, Aaron and their seed were given charge over the Tabernacle and the Temple and were instructed to wear sacred vestments in their duties. We believe that our sacred garments are in the likeness of the garments worn by those servants of Jehovah. I don't see you all mock those special robes and such worn by the hierarchies of other faiths. Why, because only ours are sacred enough for Satan to tempt you to ridicule. And you, apples are oranges, the Lord gave catholicism and its apostate branch-offs almost 1700 years to try and get it right and THAT is why both God the Father and His Beloved Son, JESUS CHRIST had to appear to a much more humble boy to RESTORE everything as it was and should have been. In my opinion, the only reason that God allows catholicism and the apostate bunch of non-LDS faiths to exist is to allow those who feel that religion should be like Burger King where you can 'have it' your way. They all lack the power to exalt and sanctify the souls of mankind. They lack the courage to ask and enforce their parishioners to live lives full of the sacrifice worthy to become as God is.

                          #5.9 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 12:43 PM EST

                          Isn't this special, religious people knocking the Mormons as of they're the only ones who believe in bull@!$%#.

                          Jesusiswatching, may I ask what is Jesus watching, seems to me it would be pretty hard to watch anything when you're a 2000 year old corpse. Oh and please spare me the details on how he was resurrected, just another in many Christian bull@!$%# stories.

                          Carry on, have at it, argue over your non-existent Gods and figureheads of God, it's all about greed and power with the Catholic Church.

                          And your next Dope is, I don't give a flying @!$%#.

                          Thanks for some afternoon entertainment

                          • 1 vote
                          #5.10 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:09 PM EST

                          Isn't this special, religious people knocking the Mormons as of they're the only ones who believe in bull@!$%#.

                          Actually in this particular thread it was a Mormon who started the knocking.

                          • 1 vote
                          #5.11 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:38 PM EST

                          Hello folks,

                          When it comes to bull@!$%#, big-time, major league bull@!$%#, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bull@!$%# story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

                          But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bull@!$%# story. Holy @!$%#!

                          But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is @!$%#ed up.

                          Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of @!$%# you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

                          No woman could or would ever @!$%# things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a @!$%#. Doesn't give a @!$%#, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

                          So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a @!$%#, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.

                          And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.

                          Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.

                          I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

                          But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to @!$%# that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

                          Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and @!$%# up Your Plan?

                          And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the @!$%# bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

                          So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't @!$%# around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

                          For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that @!$%# out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

                          So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

                          And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

                          In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

                          Compliments of Mr. George Carlin. RIP

                          • 2 votes
                          #5.12 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:49 PM EST

                          I heard that gypsies will believe in anything, as long as it feels good and they get something pleasurable out of doing so. I tell you what, try mixing your panties in with your boyfriend's dirty shirt laundry and see what that gets you. Or better yet, touch him with the dirty end of your broom. And your beliefs and practices are 'valid'? Puh-leez. Gypsies are a bunch of people brain-washed by centuries of old wives' tales and superstitions and when it comes to gypsies and morals, values, standards and virtues, it's like 7-Up and caffeine, never had it, never will!

                            #5.13 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:55 PM EST

                            Thanks for that TV as I read I could tell you were reciting some George Carlin.

                            Thanks You George Carlin, for making religious bull@!$%# funny.

                              #5.14 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 3:12 PM EST

                              "Also, the LDS Church goes about blessing the lives of individuals and families not blessing big-bonging bells, icons and banana peels that have a likeness of the Virgin Mary." So Messenger, "tell me, where in the whole Bible does it mention" to baptize people who are already dead. Where did that bizaare principle come from?

                                #5.15 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:05 PM EST

                                heres a glass of icewater george carlin, sorry your burning in hell, but you had a chance. i truely believe because the Holy Spirit has reavealed Himself to me, but even if your not sure why do you ppl take the losers bet?? im mean you lose not matter what the truth is? die and turn to dust forever unitl the sun goes nova and all that dust is disintegrated or die and God was real after all OOOOOOOPS! now your gonna wish you were dust. if you dont believe at least hedge your bet.

                                  #5.16 - Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:20 AM EST
                                  Reply

                                  Oh yeah, Shrewd!!!
                                  "Those young boys are mine!!!........All mine!!!
                                  Pedophilia with impunity is the best !!!!
                                  Yeah!!!

                                  • 2 votes
                                  Reply#6 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:37 AM EST

                                  I have been watching things for a while about religon and goverments. And the way they are both run is like a joke that was bad 1000 years ago. It seems like the human race will not get any smarter as the years go by. Who ever they pick will be the last one. The insanity that is coming will be so out of hand NOTHING will stop it . I will not explain my reasons for saying this because it would take up five or six pages. and would be too boring for 99% of the people . I am just glad I am an old man on my way out. I would not want to be around in a few years.

                                    Reply#7 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:42 AM EST

                                    Hank, I know what you are saying here. Peter the Roman. To me that means "Mafia Pope." Bye, Catholic Church....

                                      #7.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:17 AM EST
                                      Reply

                                      It is the HOLY SPIRIT who decides who t he next Pope is. The cardinals are only an instrument in the hand of God.

                                      • 1 vote
                                      Reply#8 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:19 AM EST

                                      Then why bother having an election? Just pull a name out of one of those funny hats they wear. Surely the hand of God would guide the hand of the name-puller......

                                      • 6 votes
                                      #8.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:43 AM EST

                                      Ironically I watched The Da Vinci Code as well as Angels and Demons this past Sunday. It kinda freaked me out when I saw the headlines Monday morning about the pope retiring. Hopefully the election doesn't turn out like the movie.

                                      I would rock one of those hats if I had one. :)

                                      • 3 votes
                                      #8.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:56 AM EST

                                      I'm pretty sure the hands of god have better things to do then guide these old guys who fart dust.

                                        #8.3 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:04 AM EST

                                        mmm...

                                          #8.4 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:05 AM EST

                                          Hopefully the next pope's name won't be 'Peter the Roman'

                                            #8.5 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:12 AM EST

                                            Why bother with all of this, then? The conclave and the voting and the black and white smoke. Why doesn't god just have someone walk on the waters of lake superior and announce it to us with the booming voice we read about in the bible? Oh, right, because the whole damn thing is a myth and the church is nothing but the tool used to grab power and money for men with the simplest of all possible motivators: Greed.

                                            • 1 vote
                                            #8.6 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:27 AM EST

                                            It is the HOLY SPIRIT who decides who t he next Pope is.

                                            So the holy spirit is cool with child rape? Interesting.

                                            • 1 vote
                                            #8.7 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:21 AM EST

                                            @ Jeffor

                                            Yes Jeffor, the whole thing is a big slumber party with a bunch of ripe young boys to go around.

                                            Please. An exceedingly miniscule number of priests abused their position to take advantage of vulnerable youths.

                                            So far as theology goes, humanity's free will is wholly separate from the Holy Spirit, which is part of the Holy Trinity, aka God. No, God is not okay with it, but these evils were committed by individual men who exercised free will under poor judgement and with a lack of morals.

                                            Yes, the Holy Spirt will help discern who the next Pope is; as the head of the largest and oldest religious institution on the planet, it takes a little bit of meditation and careful decision making to elect the next one.

                                            With every snide, puerile comment you make, you reveal your egregious lack of understanding on the topic and showcase your remarkably feeble mind.

                                              #8.8 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:59 PM EST
                                              Reply

                                              In the past, the Pope affected the church. In the future, the church will affect the Pope.

                                                Reply#9 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:19 AM EST

                                                Wow, I didn't know Yakov Smirnoff was still alive!

                                                  #9.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:06 AM EST

                                                  Ron

                                                  Isn't YAKOV in the White House??? oh.... sorry that's "WACKOV"

                                                    #9.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:37 AM EST
                                                    Reply

                                                    I lived in Rome for over a year fairly recently. The church is utterly irrelevant in Italy, no one follows its strictures, it only is useful as a tourist draw and the owner of fabulous art.

                                                    • 4 votes
                                                    Reply#10 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:46 AM EST

                                                    ...and to protect pedophiles and their brethren/enablers!

                                                      #10.1 - Thu Feb 14, 2013 3:59 PM EST
                                                      Reply

                                                      It's clearly time for either an Irish-American or a Latin-American pope. Methinks our Protestant friends protest too much. Could it be they envy us our 2,000 legacy that dates back to St. Peter?

                                                      • 1 vote
                                                      Reply#11 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:52 AM EST

                                                      Legacy? Legacy, traditions of men, non-biblical stance that men and women shouldn't marry, calling a mere man "father" when that is clearly condemned by Jesus Christ in in the scriptures, not to mention that nowhere in the scriptures is there such a thing as a "pope"........I don't think it's envy..... it's laughter, disdain and simple disgust. There is nothing "christian" about the Catholic religion.

                                                        #11.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:02 AM EST

                                                        ....actually it dates back to Simon Magus.........

                                                        • 1 vote
                                                        #11.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:18 AM EST

                                                        Parisian, you need to read your Bible and actually study the words Christ gave. If you take that translation to be literal you couldn't call your our own biological father by that term. Pope is in the sripture, explicit and implicit. Levites had a hierarchy with Aaron being the high priest and in the same manner Christ gave authority of the church to Peter..."upon you I will build my church." This was recognized by the Apostles in the book of Acts. Furthermore "christian" was given to the church members by the city/town of Antioch, meaning followers of Christ. Tell me how the the catholic church doesn't believe and follow Christ.

                                                          #11.3 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:50 AM EST

                                                          Parisian, here is what was said and then tell me why we use the term teacher or instructor for that matter:

                                                          8 “But you are not to be called ‘Rabbi,’ for you have one Teacher, and you are all brothers. 9 And do not call anyone on earth ‘father,’ for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. 10 Nor are you to be called instructors, for you have one Instructor, the Messiah. 11 The greatest among you will be your servant. 12 For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

                                                          Also may be you should read the entire chapter so you can understand what Christ was actually saying - Matthew 23

                                                            #11.4 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:43 PM EST

                                                            Protestants just love taking our Holy Book, quoting passages out of context (mind you after removing several books that they didn't care for), and then telling us that WE'RE wrong.

                                                            I'll turn this around on y'all. Where did you get the idea of Sola Scriptura? "Well, Matador, that's the only reliable way to interpret God's will; it's his divine revelation, after all."

                                                            Think about it. Your Bible that you value above all other things was under the care and guardianship of the church that you revile and belittle for over 1,000 years before any of your churches existed. We compiled it, made copies of it, and kept it safe. This book that you base your entire Christian faith off of is as tied to Catholicism as our Catechism, yet you presume to use it to attack us while relying on it solely for your religious guidance. Idiotic. Christianity has never been Sola Scriptura. It has a loooong history of using both scripture and tradition.

                                                            And "saving?" What does being "saved" even mean? "I killed some people, but now I'm saved, so whatever!"

                                                            "Oh really? Well I got saved before I killed people, but it probably still works, right? After all, I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior, didn't I?"

                                                            Come on. Really? I'll just let James 2:14-26 take care of that one.

                                                              #11.5 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 3:18 PM EST
                                                              Reply

                                                              time for women pope .chose Julie Roberts.

                                                              • 1 vote
                                                              Reply#12 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:08 AM EST

                                                              already had a female POPE, POPE Joan:) not really

                                                                #12.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:33 AM EST

                                                                nah... you still have to have a person with an I.Q. higher than her ring size!

                                                                • 1 vote
                                                                #12.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:31 AM EST
                                                                Reply

                                                                Well, they certainly won't pick a woman or negro,.....they've seen what has happened to the United States.

                                                                • 3 votes
                                                                Reply#13 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:17 AM EST

                                                                Parisian, save your rant for your white hooded brothers at the lodge. You want religioius freedom...for yourself. The more these things upset bigots like yourself, the more we embrace them.

                                                                • 3 votes
                                                                Reply#14 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:17 AM EST

                                                                Rumor is .. that this will be the last pope (St. Malachy), leading into a 7 yr peace deal with Israel and the anti christ and the start of the Tribulation period. Albert Pike's dream of 3 World Wars is accurate with the first two wars and with the third will usher the New World Order all of the politicians have been clamoring for.

                                                                  Reply#15 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:21 AM EST

                                                                  The Vatican should be run like a business. The Papal powers should be shared by at least three people. Younger in age and diverse in ethnicity and gender. Christianity and Catholicism need to be presented in a more scientific way. The veil of secrecy needs to be lifted and the entire organization should run in a transparent manner.

                                                                  • 1 vote
                                                                  Reply#16 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:24 AM EST

                                                                  They need to hurry and choose someone who can get some $$ on their plate.

                                                                  Can't spead the stupidity properly without gold crowns and silk robes.

                                                                  Go god!

                                                                  • 2 votes
                                                                  Reply#17 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:34 AM EST

                                                                  The Pope announces resignation, North Korea detonates a nuclear device, An asteroid is passing close to earth friday. Coincidence? Or shrewd public relations move by the Vatican?

                                                                  • 1 vote
                                                                  Reply#18 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:12 AM EST

                                                                  At first glance I thought I was reading something about sports when I saw "Cardinals are pretty shrewd"

                                                                  Guess I got baseball fever!

                                                                  • 4 votes
                                                                  Reply#19 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:13 AM EST

                                                                  Pro

                                                                  Same as me when I once saw a news paper headline that read: "Pirates finally win one!".... and found out that the Samoli pirates seized another ship off the African coast.

                                                                  • 3 votes
                                                                  #19.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:28 AM EST
                                                                  Reply

                                                                  It's a business, maybe get new gowns and rodes, the pompous look is so, 16th century. I still have faith, just not in people that make a living off others suffering, and misfortunes. Also, they don't tell the truth. Shrewed is a very good description.

                                                                  • 2 votes
                                                                  Reply#20 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:17 AM EST

                                                                  My vote is for the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. He was a caveman, frozen. They thawed him out, he went to school to become a lawyer. Put one of those Fred Flintstone Water Buffalo hats on and your set.

                                                                    Reply#21 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:34 AM EST

                                                                    Newsvine: This guy has been advertising for several days. Why keep deleting his post....just banish him forever.

                                                                    • 4 votes
                                                                    #21.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:56 AM EST
                                                                    Reply

                                                                    The Roman Curia... the ultimate Old Boys Network.

                                                                    • 1 vote
                                                                    Reply#22 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:45 AM EST

                                                                    Maybe the pope read the Trumpet.com and has repented toward God.

                                                                    • 1 vote
                                                                    Reply#23 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:47 AM EST

                                                                    I think President Barack Hussine Obama will be Pope! Sure....he's not Catholic..... hey he probably doesn't even believe in God.... or maybe thinks he is God.... But nothing stopped him from becoming President of the United States even though he was never even a citizen of our Country!! Long Live Pope Hope Dope the First!

                                                                    • 1 vote
                                                                    Reply#24 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:24 AM EST

                                                                    no but he will do away with the term limit so he can become the first dictator of the usa

                                                                    • 1 vote
                                                                    #24.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:31 AM EST

                                                                    that's about the only thing this fraud IS working on Apples!

                                                                    • 1 vote
                                                                    #24.2 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:33 AM EST
                                                                    Reply

                                                                    With all the problems the catholic church has: molester priests, money laundering in the vatican bank, enforcement of obsolete, unproductive edicts - Fearless prophecy: the new Pope will be italian, a real "made" man, from a good old family - Corleone, Giotti or Gambino. Then, the sermon will be: pay your tithes, and nobody has any problems!

                                                                    • 1 vote
                                                                    Reply#25 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:39 AM EST

                                                                    Might want to get your facts straight before you post and reveal your ignorance.

                                                                    1. The amount of priests that have actually molested kids is miniscule compared to the entirety of the clergy.

                                                                    2. Money laundering? Have a reliable source or is that just libelous?

                                                                    3. Which "edicts" are, in your eminent opinion, obsolete and unproductive?

                                                                    4. Yeah, not likely; there aren't any cardinals from any of those families.

                                                                    5. The Catholic Church doesn't tithe. Contribution isn't mandatory and the amount you give is at your discretion.

                                                                      #25.1 - Tue Feb 12, 2013 3:50 PM EST
                                                                      Reply
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